Gavins Point Dam Rumor Awakened Me

I promise I haven’t gone off the deep end.

Rather, this column in today’s Press & Dakotan is an exploration of the conspiracy theory world that came to my attention this week after I saw a video from a guy saying the government is going to blow up Gavins Point Dam. I didn’t make any of this up. All of these ideas can be found in the online conspiracy world.

And it’s a crazy world.

———

Are you awake?

That was the question posed to me this past week as I was confronted with the great threat looming to the west. I had just learned that Gavins Point Dam had been strung with explosives.

The face of the dam is cracking, the Smiling Scotsman’s YouTube video informed me, and the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers or some other branch of the military is going to blow up 25 percent of the structure to relieve the historic pressure and save the power plant.

Knowing how evil and wasteful the United States government is, I had no reason to doubt this Omaha man’s claims, which had come to him third-hand.

“It’s important that you wake up and learn how to survive this threat,” another YouTube video informed me.

“I am awake,” I muttered to myself while sitting at my office desk in the Press & Dakotan, surrounded by the mainstream media (or “lamestream” media, if you prefer) that sought to keep this information from me.

Despite my new consciousness, I kept my mouth shut as I was forced to write a story about how the theory was “crazy,” or so the Corps claimed in a conference call. I knew better than to confront our genocidal government officials without an escape plan in place.

I feel fortunate. I am awake.

“This thing is about to happen, guys,” TerralO3 said while showing a map of the Missouri River valley in his YouTube video that references the Smiling Scotsman. “These roads are going to be taken out. You are going to have troops deployed in this area for this catastrophe they’re getting ready to create.”

You see, the government has been storing water in the upper Missouri River basin so it can be unleashed in a cascade that will divide America in two. This will assist the coming extinction-level event (ELE) being brought on by the approaching “Comet” Elenin, which is actually a dwarf star. It will wreak destruction on this planet later this year.

Notice how its alleged discoverer and namesake, Russian astronomer Leonid Elenin, conveniently has ELE in his name. The code is so clear, I don’t understand how people cannot see this!

But most Americans are just sheeple, who blindly follow our government overlords.

“The government is lying to you — all of them,” TerralO3 says. “From Obama, the Kenyan-born foreign national from Indonesia, to everybody in Congress who has allowed him to be in office even though they know for a fact he has no business even being in this country. They’re all getting ready to go into their underground bunkers because ELE is coming.”

As I write this, I’m preparing to depart for the Ozarks, where a group of us are determined to survive this ELE.

Mock me if you want. I understand. I was once like you.

I believed that media outlets like the Press & Dakotan, the New York Times and the Washington Post do their best to report the truth and have the interests of their readers at heart.

But now I know better. The Internet has been a great liberator.

Because it offers so much unadulterated truth, some of the lamestream media outlets have even had to acknowledge facts — even if it was only to try to convince the sheeple that they are false.

Obama was born in Hawaii? Ha. Paul Revere warned early Americans that the British were coming? Bull pucky. Legalized abortion isn’t part of a genocidal scheme to wipe out black people? I won’t be a silent witness to the truth.

And I won’t buy the media’s lies anymore.

You shouldn’t, either.

“It’s going to be the worst catastrophe in the history of the United States.”

I know, TerralO3.

“It’s almost too late to try to wake people up to this. We’re going to have to leave without you.”

I’m coming, Terral03. I’m prepared to “yes, sir/no, sir” my way through all those military checkpoints that will likely come between me and our rendezvous in the Ozarks.

But I promise I’ll find you, somewhere in the deep, dark night that lies ahead.

———

(EDITOR’S NOTE: This column is a work of satire, and we can assure you that, even though he has been talking a lot about the need for a vacation, Nathan is not planning a trip to the Ozarks.)

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