Why South Dakota Had To Lose: A Nebraskan’s Perspective

Greetings, residents of the South Dakota.
I hail from the United Territories of Nebraska, where we live in peace. Man, woman and child do not face discrimination based on whether they live east or west of the Missouri River — unless they live in I.O.W.A., in which case I’m sure you find our desire for segregation understandable.
While I do come from Nebraska, some of my fellow Nebes and I have been living among your people for some time now, learning your ways and doing our best to teach you the wisdom of the Nebes. It is painstaking work, but it is a cause to which I, at least, have willingly dedicated my life.
I was struck recently by the enthusiasm SoDaks had when the South Dakota State University men’s and women’s basketball teams both earned spots in the NCAA tournaments. Similar excitement followed the announcement that the University of South Dakota women’s basketball team had earned a spot in the WNIT.
I know a lot of the South Dakota fans were saddened by the tournament losses suffered in succession during the last week.
But I was not.
No, I was pleased to see the appropriate outcome of these athletic forays.
Now, please put down your primitive weapons and silence your shrill voices. Hear the wisdom of this humble Nebe before you cast judgment.
As a Nebe, I am acutely aware of the fact that your civilization is not advanced enough to explore these new frontiers. Remember, the United Territories of Nebraska was born of the star dust in the Year of our Flying Spaghetti Monster 1867. You are but babes, sprouting your first tentacles in the Year of our Flying Spaghetti Monster 1889.
Let me illustrate for your benefit one very important reason you are not ready for this giant leap for SoDak kind.
You don’t have the language for it.
Nebes have simplified their language to the point that it can be boiled down to two words: Go Huskers.
Travel to any corner of our vast land, and the language is universal.
“Go Huskers” communicates every emotion imaginable.
It conveys happiness — “Go Huskers!” Sadness — “go huskers.” Anger — “GO HUSKERS!” Frustration — “GO Huskers!” Confusion — “Go Huskers!?” Even flirtatious come-on — “Go Huskers?”
Some say we elect our leaders based on which candidate recites “Go Huskers!” the most. This is true, and we aren’t ashamed to admit it. Surely, it must be confusing to outsiders, and the people of the South Dakota cannot be blamed for their inability to understand these elaborate rituals.
The conclusion of a recent speech by Supreme Gov. Dave Heineman of the United Territories of Nebraska went like this: “This is about go Huskers. This is our go Huskers. This is our moment in go Huskers. Together we can make go Huskers happen. Let’s get to work. Go Huskers.”
It was a brilliant summation of the Nebe ethos, “Go Huskers.”
Now, what is the universal language of the South Dakota?
“Go Yotes?” “Go Jacks?” Or even, dare I say, “Go Lancers?” In the far reaches of your land, you run the risk of people speaking one language or the other — or perhaps none of them. And who can blame those who do not know these languages? All are primitive and do not please the Flying Spaghetti Monster. They are not “Go Huskers!” I fear for you that they never will be.
How dare you! Of course I’m aware that only the Cornhusker women’s basketball team made it into the NCAA tournament this year and they tasted defeat in the first round. (And, yes, I know that our emissaries from Creighton University also represented the cause of the Nebes in the NCAA tournament. Well done.)
The very fact that you raise this as an intended insult is yet another sign that while the South Dakota and its people have grown up, you have a ways to go before reaching maturity.
Everyone in the civilized universe knows that the only test of athletic wills that counts is football or futbol. Basketball means nothing.
To you I say, “GO HUSKERS!”

———

This column also ran in the Press & Dakotan today.

The question is, will I make it through the day alive after writing this column? So far, so good …

7 thoughts on “Why South Dakota Had To Lose: A Nebraskan’s Perspective

  1. I like your article here. This is my first journey to An Inland Voyage, and, apparently, “Go Husker” land.

    I’m a SDan, but have lived in MN for the past 6 years. Our embarrassment in terms of U-MN athletic incompetence is staggering. Except for hockey. MNans loooooove their ice hockey!! The women just won the NCAA hockey crown.

    I can see why a Nebe such as yourself focuses on the “Go Huskers”. Your NFL, NHL, NBA, and WNBA teams don’t have much to show for themselves. You have quite a way to go in terms of maturity. SDans are children, Nebes are school kids, MNans are adults.

    BTW, our WNBA team, the Lynx, are defending champions. Hahahahahaha!

    (I think I’m going to like your blog and your attitude.)

  2. Nathan I liked you…I really did. Of course I had no idea you were one of “them”.

    You know…a Nebraskan, an aimless driving, over taxing, don’t mind us we’re just going to be in the way here for a minute or 90, brainwashed “night of the living red”, unwashed Nebe.

    Now don’t get me wrong there are parts of your state I enjoy. In fact I enjoy everything about your state except your taxes, the fact that making a straight road is obviously impossible to do in Nebraska (see Hwy 81 between Yankton and Norfolk…do you not have eminent domain in Nebraska? Move the damn cornfield for a road for Pete’s sake), your speed limits, Whiteclay and everything (and I mean every. single. last. thing.) affiliated with the Nebraska Cornhuskers football program.

    I loved the Ranch Bowl and Peony Park. I love Omaha, the old market, your small towns and neatness of your farms. I tolerate the idiocy of Lincoln’s roads. Western Nebraska is beautiful. I love taking “Nebraska Adventures” with my family where we just pile into the Hyundai and wander aimlessly around your state (fitting in with all other Nebraska drivers, the only thing distinguishing us our license plates). Have I mentioned how amazingly clean and inviting your roadside restrooms are!?!

    You take us Dakotans to tax for having multiple schools to root for as you sadly refuse to recognize your other fine Division 1 colleges like Creighton (a cursory mention at best) and UNO showing you to be fully infected mind numbing Zombie afflicted with the dreaded Red disease.

    My only choice is to take you into a field (Much like Rick and Shane) and shoot you before you begin the brain dead/brain washed, barely literate chant of “Go Big Red!”.

    I do love how you have kept the chant to monosyllabic words so as not to confuse the unwashed amongst you (Much the like the equally hated USD chant of “Hate State! Go U!”) If you close your eyes and listen carefully at the much beloved Henry Doorly Zoo’s ape house I believe you can hear the monkeys grunting out the rally call of each of the hated “Red” schools. Jackrabbits has as many syllables as your entire simpleton chant!

    Maybe it’s the color Red that evokes such hate from me, I am a Taurus after all and red is used to incite bulls. No…that’s not it at all, it’s the simple mindlessness of the cult of Tom.

    You can of course redeem yourself from my dislike…I can learn to not pay attention when you get that far away look in your eyes and begin to drool slightly from the corner of your mouth like a recently lobotomized Randle McMurphy…but there will be a price. I can be bought off with cigars and Manhattans. I think you know where….

    Until there our budding bromance is put on hold. It pains me too, as your love of good music and comics, your obvious disdain for the mouth breathers around you, your sarcastic wit, sly police blog reporting and grumblings about local politics made you stand out.

    Chad Jensen was able to buy me off though, so I’m sure you will be able to as well.

    ~Shane

    PS: For those reading this that don’t know me I love to answer humor and sarcasm with humor and sarcasm

    PPS: Nathan…cigars and booze…

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