Greetings, residents of the South Dakota.
I hail from the United Territories of Nebraska, where we live in peace. Man, woman and child do not face discrimination based on whether they live east or west of the Missouri River — unless they live in I.O.W.A., in which case I’m sure you find our desire for segregation understandable.
While I do come from Nebraska, some of my fellow Nebes and I have been living among your people for some time now, learning your ways and doing our best to teach you the wisdom of the Nebes. It is painstaking work, but it is a cause to which I, at least, have willingly dedicated my life.
I was struck recently by the enthusiasm SoDaks had when the South Dakota State University men’s and women’s basketball teams both earned spots in the NCAA tournaments. Similar excitement followed the announcement that the University of South Dakota women’s basketball team had earned a spot in the WNIT.
I know a lot of the South Dakota fans were saddened by the tournament losses suffered in succession during the last week.
But I was not.
No, I was pleased to see the appropriate outcome of these athletic forays.
Now, please put down your primitive weapons and silence your shrill voices. Hear the wisdom of this humble Nebe before you cast judgment.
As a Nebe, I am acutely aware of the fact that your civilization is not advanced enough to explore these new frontiers. Remember, the United Territories of Nebraska was born of the star dust in the Year of our Flying Spaghetti Monster 1867. You are but babes, sprouting your first tentacles in the Year of our Flying Spaghetti Monster 1889.
Let me illustrate for your benefit one very important reason you are not ready for this giant leap for SoDak kind.
You don’t have the language for it.
Nebes have simplified their language to the point that it can be boiled down to two words: Go Huskers.
Travel to any corner of our vast land, and the language is universal.
“Go Huskers” communicates every emotion imaginable.
It conveys happiness — “Go Huskers!” Sadness — “go huskers.” Anger — “GO HUSKERS!” Frustration — “GO Huskers!” Confusion — “Go Huskers!?” Even flirtatious come-on — “Go Huskers?”
Some say we elect our leaders based on which candidate recites “Go Huskers!” the most. This is true, and we aren’t ashamed to admit it. Surely, it must be confusing to outsiders, and the people of the South Dakota cannot be blamed for their inability to understand these elaborate rituals.
The conclusion of a recent speech by Supreme Gov. Dave Heineman of the United Territories of Nebraska went like this: “This is about go Huskers. This is our go Huskers. This is our moment in go Huskers. Together we can make go Huskers happen. Let’s get to work. Go Huskers.”
It was a brilliant summation of the Nebe ethos, “Go Huskers.”
Now, what is the universal language of the South Dakota?
“Go Yotes?” “Go Jacks?” Or even, dare I say, “Go Lancers?” In the far reaches of your land, you run the risk of people speaking one language or the other — or perhaps none of them. And who can blame those who do not know these languages? All are primitive and do not please the Flying Spaghetti Monster. They are not “Go Huskers!” I fear for you that they never will be.
How dare you! Of course I’m aware that only the Cornhusker women’s basketball team made it into the NCAA tournament this year and they tasted defeat in the first round. (And, yes, I know that our emissaries from Creighton University also represented the cause of the Nebes in the NCAA tournament. Well done.)
The very fact that you raise this as an intended insult is yet another sign that while the South Dakota and its people have grown up, you have a ways to go before reaching maturity.
Everyone in the civilized universe knows that the only test of athletic wills that counts is football or futbol. Basketball means nothing.
To you I say, “GO HUSKERS!”
This column also ran in the Press & Dakotan today.
The question is, will I make it through the day alive after writing this column? So far, so good …