Valentine’s Day: When Is It Time To Say Goodbye (To Underwear)?


Franklies, my trusted pair of underwear, has been with me for years. Sadly, these drawers haven’t taught me anything about drawing, so I’ve composed perhaps the saddest excuse ever for a heart with an arrow through it. Still, you get the point.

When is it time to say goodbye to a loved one?
I struggled with this question today when I took off my underwear and got into the shower.
I looked down at my beloved briefs, which I call Franklies. Time and wear had dulled his bright white glow. His elastic had the beaten and bruised features of a veteran boxer. Various holes now marred the once smooth stretches of fabric, as if Franklies had barely endured an onslaught of grasshoppers during the Dust Bowl. Or perhaps a spurned lover had thrown acid in the face of these poor briefs, scarring Franklies for eternity.
Is it time to throw this loyal pair of underwear onto the garbage heap after perhaps a decade of the two of us in unity?
I don’t know if I can bring myself to do it.
Franklies has seen me at my most triumphant and, of course, my most despairing moments.
These briefs have known my growing excitement when having good, old-fashioned natural fun with a woman. They’ve experienced the relief provided by any number of bathroom visits.
Franklies is a trusted friend, a blessed brother in this journey of life. Would I allow anything less to provide protection for my most delicate features?
In the past, I’ve counted on others to do the dirty work of escorting underwear out of my life. My mother or significant other would no longer be able to stand the sight of battered briefs and dispose of them despite my protestations.
But on this Valentine’s Day, it is just me and Franklies. Face to fabric.
The thought of a future without this dear friend frightens me, but perhaps Franklies has earned his retirement away from the challenging and frightening sights, sounds and smells a life so close to me requires.
If anyone out there knows how to make this any easier, please share your wisdom so that my soul, and most private parts, may live on without shame and guilt. Is that even possible?
Love you always, Franklies. — XOXO —

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