‘I Have This Problem …’

I have this problem, and I’m not sure at what point in my life it developed.
My challenge is this: I may have words clearly and concisely formulated in my head. However, somewhere between my brain and my lips, data is occasionally lost or jumbled.
This problem manifested itself during a recent job orientation session.
I was at a table of young women, one of whom I would have rather liked to impress. She was beautiful, nice and spirited.
Here is the sentence I had assembled in my head. It was hardly clever, but was intended to build some camaraderie between us.
It went like this: “If I start to fall asleep, please hit me. It’s going to happen, and I want to stay awake.”
Sounds elementary, doesn’t it?
Well, I managed to flub it pretty badly.
Here’s what came out: “If I fart …”
I did my best to regroup and recover, quickly bouncing back with what I had intended to say. It happened so fast that I’m not even sure she caught the flash of unintended comedic relief.
However, my confidence level rapidly dropped a few notches, and I decided that perhaps on this morning it was better to sit in silence lest another verbal calamity reverberate through my lips with more tragic results.
Time has been a great healer in this matter, though, and I must say that my perspective has shifted.
Had I said, “If I fart, please hit me. It’s going to happen, so be ready for it …” — well, I’m pretty sure that would have made an impression. Sure, it may have been greeted with a stink eye and a shake of disapproval, but I think the chances are better that it would have been met with shock and laughter. And what an elixir laughter can be …
So feel free to fart — I mean, start — using that line as an icebreaker, my friends.
I would be delighted if my verbal malfunction had the fun result of unleashing some “laughing gas” upon this world.

* As a bonus, dear readers, let me offer you this link to an appropriately-themed (considering the subject matter of this post) but vaguely NSFW painting by the wonderful Lilli Hill. It’s guaranteed to generate shock and laughter. Please take a moment to consume this elixir. Click here.

2 thoughts on “‘I Have This Problem …’

  1. Welcome to my world! When speaking in public and trying to be witty I often come off sounding like an A**. Same bodily area anyway.

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